constant nourishment

i've been struggling lately with God's love for me and the grace that comes from it. i know it sounds ridiculous to be conflicted by something as absolutely wonderful as love, but God's love is something different; it is more wonderful than can be described, but it also might be the most impossible, impractical thing in existence. God's love is not only difficult to understand, it is down-right crazy.

i think the source of my wondering comes from my inability to come to terms with the way His love and its extensions have come to be labeled. one of the more common labels i've heard is "satisfactory," which certainly is biblical:

in second corinthians, paul, battling weakness, cries out to God for relief, and the response he receives from the Lord is, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" (12:9). i have always loved this verse because it speaks to me in my weakness (which is immense), but i have to keep wondering: why the word "sufficient?" that word carries with it some disappointing implications for me; sort of a way of saying, "well eli, now that you've tried everything else, be satisfied with this."

in first timothy, paul again writes, "...you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, constantly nourished on the words of the faith and of the sound doctrine which you have been following" (4:6). now that's more like it! this is how i want to see His love. i want Christ to be the very thing that keeps me alive; for His love and grace to be my constant nourishment; for me to yearn for Him; hunger for Him. i don't want to merely be satisfied by His love, i want to be sustained by it.

so again i'll ask: why the word "sufficient?"

why do God's words in second corinthians speak to me so? as always, the source of my problem lies not with God, but with me. how often is it that the last place i go to to find sustenance is God? how often do i look everywhere else for satisfaction before looking to God? how can i expect to view God's love as sustaining when i treat it as my last resort?

but as always, God, in His infinite love, picks me up and tells me it is exactly my weakness that He wants; that when i am weak, His strength is evident in me. so, while i remain disappointed in myself for being so weak, and still confounded by the most amazing love that will ever be known, it is the greatest thing of all that God's love transcends everything to remain my eternal sustenance and the very thing that keeps me alive.